Here's an awesome classified ad

[jwgh]

This is from last Thursday's Providence Phoenix. It's in the classifieds under 'Gigs'. I've redacted the phone number. Yes, that is how 'Beatles' is spelled in the ad.

Angels of the Light Live in Same House Singer, songwriter, producer seeks euphoric, patient, mellow musicians to put together a good band. Seeking all types of instruments. Inf: Led Zeppelin, Moody Blues, Doors, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Rush, ELP, Fleetwood MAc, Jimi Hendrix, Scorpions, Van Halen. Bealtles, BOC, Bob Marley, Queensryche, RJ Dio, CSNY, Neil Diamond, Whitesnake, Bread, Donovan, The Dead, Deep Purple. On the 1st CD we'll sell 75 to 100 million copies non-competitively. All original music. Must be vegetarians. No TV, radio or newspapers. 75% of our music will be above our love for women as they dearly love us. 25% about the natural phenomenon of the world. We must have faith in the infinite God and his/her angels of love, light and eternity. The path to heaven is open for all of is. The love in our hearts must triumph over our intellect and that pertains to all of us. There will be reincarnation and a great resurrection for all that was good, kind and benevolent. We must have: God, love, peace, faith, hope, truth, freedom, compassion, trust, happiness, harmony, satisfaction, patience. In life and in this band patience is universally important. What we need for this band is a feeling of the love that would fill up a 7 billion seat stadium. A world of total love, peace and freedom will come very slowly. Ask for Neil xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Comments

[cgoldfish.livejournal.com]

well i certainly hope you called!

[jwgh]

But only 60% of my music is about my love for women as they love me!

[cgoldfish.livejournal.com]

i'm a little concerned about their musical influences.

whitesnake and dio?

i don't forsee a world of total love, peace and freedom for them, no matter how slowly.

[jwgh]

But you're OK with Bob Marley and Neil Diamond, right?

[mishapville.livejournal.com]

you should call Neil! go undercover and report back with your findings!

[thesparklychick.livejournal.com]

*scratches head*

[sanspoof.livejournal.com]

[Neil from the Young Ones] Guys, I'd like you to try to write a little less about the natural phenomenon of the world. You're skewing the ratio. Here, I made some lentils, they'll make you feel more in tune with everything.
[/Neil]

[margo-virago.livejournal.com]

Jake, you need to call that guy.

[doctroid.livejournal.com]

Totally.

[pootrootbeer.livejournal.com]

Clearly the Phoenix's per-line rates for private party classifieds are far too low.

That sounds eerily like

[vardissakheli.livejournal.com]

Not You's guitarist (and original center), now with extra third personality! (http://users.bestweb.net/~jond4u/)

[arisaema.livejournal.com]

wow, maybe what Neil is really looking for is the 75% of the love he isn't getting from women.

this is great.

I totally know what you're saying about the flyers, now. Seriously, even the people at the public library gave me attitude, and the knitting shop nearby doesn't want me to advertise there because they want to charge $10 an hour to attend their own "Stitch and Bitch". I'm really tired of people treating me like I'm trying to advertise my criminal enterprise instead of a knitting group. I can't imagine what it's like trying to get shows advertised. At least I've actually (surprisingly) had some luck with the local record stores. I should try tattoo shops - that's a great idea, actually.

[jwgh]

$10/hour for SNB? They better have free drinks!

My only other suggestion regarding putting up flyers is that laundromats also sometimes have bulletin boards, and people do actually have to stick around the laundromat for extended periods of time, and it's pretty boring, so they might actually read the announcement.

It's weird how time-consuming postering is.

I guess you could also take out a classified ad:

Crocheter, knitter seeks euphoric, patient, mellow crafters to put together a good stitch & bitch. Seeking all types of knitters. Inf: Debbie Bliss, Martha Stuart, Paris Hilton, Madonna, Deep Purple. Must eat pork.

[urbeatle.livejournal.com]

what, no Toynbee resurrection on planet Jupiter? no all-one-god-faith german solar zeppelins? no way to save life, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful?

[jwgh]

Maybe I should try to put together a competing band. It can be 40% about our love for women as they dearly love us, 10% about the natural phenomina of the world, 40% about giant robots, and 10% about PEZ.

[manfire.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised no one has tried making a song out of a Dr. Bronner soap label yet. Or if they have, I can't find it on google.