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christychristy about my wacky family, and I mentioned that my great-aunt Maria (pronounced 'muh-RYE-uh', more or less) had a very idiosyncratic way of telling jokes. Here is an authentic Maria joke told in the authentic Maria style:
Q: Have you heard the joke, the punch line to which is, 'We pronounce it "Ohio" here'?
A: Uh, no, I don't think I've heard that one.
Q: Oh! Well, a fellow from the Midwest was traveling through New England. He was traveling by train, and entered into a conversation with the other people in his compartment, one of whom asked him, 'Where are you from?' 'Iowa,' he responded. 'Oh, Ohio? I've never been there,' said the other passenger. 'Ah, no, sorry, I'm from Iowa,' he said. The other passenger smiled condescendingly and said, 'We pronounce it "Ohio" here.'
At this point, Maria would break into uproarious laughter, and her delight was so evident that you couldn't help but join in. It was an oddly effective way of telling a joke.
christychristy then said something about 'the Jake way of telling a joke'. It had never really occurred to me that I had a way of telling a joke, so I asked what my way was. She said that I tended towards the deadpan, and that it wasn't always obvious that I had, in fact, told a joke. That sounds about right.
christychristy about my wacky family, and I mentioned that my great-aunt Maria (pronounced 'muh-RYE-uh', more or less) had a very idiosyncratic way of telling jokes. Here is an authentic Maria joke told in the authentic Maria style:Q: Have you heard the joke, the punch line to which is, 'We pronounce it "Ohio" here'?
A: Uh, no, I don't think I've heard that one.
Q: Oh! Well, a fellow from the Midwest was traveling through New England. He was traveling by train, and entered into a conversation with the other people in his compartment, one of whom asked him, 'Where are you from?' 'Iowa,' he responded. 'Oh, Ohio? I've never been there,' said the other passenger. 'Ah, no, sorry, I'm from Iowa,' he said. The other passenger smiled condescendingly and said, 'We pronounce it "Ohio" here.'
At this point, Maria would break into uproarious laughter, and her delight was so evident that you couldn't help but join in. It was an oddly effective way of telling a joke.
christychristy then said something about 'the Jake way of telling a joke'. It had never really occurred to me that I had a way of telling a joke, so I asked what my way was. She said that I tended towards the deadpan, and that it wasn't always obvious that I had, in fact, told a joke. That sounds about right.the Monica Lewinsky joke-a-thon
Aug. 31st, 2006 04:05 amTonight's Seven Second Delay was a rerun from 1998, and the goal was to have callers tell 100 jokes over the course of their hour-long show. Because I have no life I took the time to transcribe every one. Note that most of the jokes are really lame, many are offensive, and you've probably already heard 90% of them. (Despite the jokes, I thought this was a pretty good show!)
( almost 100 jokes )
( almost 100 jokes )
old funny posts by people who are not me
Dec. 28th, 2005 03:47 pmJoe Bay retells a joke
Ben Allard explains the green golfball joke
Speaking of which, perhaps it is worth reproducing ( the green golfball joke )
Ben Allard explains the green golfball joke
Speaking of which, perhaps it is worth reproducing ( the green golfball joke )
generalizing a bad joke
Dec. 4th, 2005 10:29 amLast year, I learned a new joke:
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?Last night as I was half-asleep it occurred to me that this could be a representative of an entire family of jokes about placenames with similar properties. It turns out to be a little tricky, though; the only place I could think of that seemed to have any possibilities is Ukraine, and even there I couldn't come up with a joke that made any kind of sense. Can any of you do better?
A: ( haw haw! )
Yo' god so false
Nov. 1st, 2005 10:24 amThis particular brand of joke seems to have been invented by Ranjit Bhatnagar.
Here are the ones I came up with. Write your own!
( my 'yo' god so false' jokes )random joke
Jun. 24th, 2005 05:16 pmA hipster walks into a diner. [That line probably immediately dates this joke.] He says to the waitress, "I've got a craving for some apple pie." The waitress responds, "I'm sorry, sir, but the apple pie is gone." The hipster says, "Hey, I'll have a slice of that crazy pie!"
[Man, 45 minutes until the weekend.]
Edit: If you don't get the joke, this might help.
[Man, 45 minutes until the weekend.]
Edit: If you don't get the joke, this might help.
filthy poetry
May. 9th, 2005 11:06 amFor some reason I wrote a bunch of dirty poetry yesterday. And this morning. *cough*
doctroid posted this dirty limerick to alt.religion.kibology:
and Kibo posted a challenge to turn it into a Shakespearian sonnet. I wrote something that was four lines short of a sonnet, doctroid called me on it, and I wrote this expanded version, which I think is superior anyway, despite containing what might be considered 'fat humor', which I don't really approve of:
Next, plorkwort challenged people to write dirty limericks about Daleks. I came up with three:
The entire dirty Dalek limerick discussion can be found here. My favorite one is this one by doctroid.
(A couple of the poems above differ slightly from the versions I posted to a.r.k.)
I apparently wrote this for kerri9494 in April of 2004. Does anyone remember why?
A dalek and a pirate walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Why do you have a dalek with you?"
The dalek said, "EX! TER! MIN! ATE! EX! TER! MIN! ATE!" and incinerated the bartender.
The pirate turned to the dalek and said, "Arrrr, I told ye before, ye clattering pile of tin, get the grog first, THEN exterminate!"
The dalek replied, "I! OBEY!" Then it blew up.
The end.
Actually, it doesn't end there, becausedoctroid complained that the joke needed more obelisk, so I revised it as follows.
A pirate, a dalek, and a lawyer walk into a bar. Behind the bar, instead of a bartender, there's a giant black obelisk.
The lawyer walks up to the bar and touches the obelisk. In short order he's evolved to become a super star lawyer baby and goes off to start lawsuits on Europa, his briefcase spinning slowly in the air as the band plays 'Waltzing Mathilda'.
The pirate, impressed by this, goes up to the bar too, but after a moment he returns looking dejected.
The dalek says, "MUST! ASK! WHY! OBELISK! DID! NOT! ACCELLERATE! EVOLUTION! OF! THE! PIRATE!"
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I wanted to, but I couldn't touch the obelisk."
The dalek replies, "WHY! NOT! ANSWER! ME! ANSWER! ME! OR! YOU! WILL! BE! EX! TER! MIN! ATE! ED! ANSWER! ANSWER!"
The pirate responds, "It's these stupid hooks, ye tin-plated lubber swab!"
Then the dalek vaporized him.
I have no memory of writing either of these.
kerri9494 in April of 2004. Does anyone remember why?A dalek and a pirate walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Why do you have a dalek with you?"
The dalek said, "EX! TER! MIN! ATE! EX! TER! MIN! ATE!" and incinerated the bartender.
The pirate turned to the dalek and said, "Arrrr, I told ye before, ye clattering pile of tin, get the grog first, THEN exterminate!"
The dalek replied, "I! OBEY!" Then it blew up.
The end.
Actually, it doesn't end there, because
doctroid complained that the joke needed more obelisk, so I revised it as follows.A pirate, a dalek, and a lawyer walk into a bar. Behind the bar, instead of a bartender, there's a giant black obelisk.
The lawyer walks up to the bar and touches the obelisk. In short order he's evolved to become a super star lawyer baby and goes off to start lawsuits on Europa, his briefcase spinning slowly in the air as the band plays 'Waltzing Mathilda'.
The pirate, impressed by this, goes up to the bar too, but after a moment he returns looking dejected.
The dalek says, "MUST! ASK! WHY! OBELISK! DID! NOT! ACCELLERATE! EVOLUTION! OF! THE! PIRATE!"
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I wanted to, but I couldn't touch the obelisk."
The dalek replies, "WHY! NOT! ANSWER! ME! ANSWER! ME! OR! YOU! WILL! BE! EX! TER! MIN! ATE! ED! ANSWER! ANSWER!"
The pirate responds, "It's these stupid hooks, ye tin-plated lubber swab!"
Then the dalek vaporized him.
I have no memory of writing either of these.
FCC superbowl note
Feb. 17th, 2005 03:45 pmApparently having Paul McCartney sing wasn't the first idea that Super Bowl organizers had for the halftime show:
Halftime show planners, concerned about the backlash after last year's 'wardrobe malfunction,' attempted to come up with as noncontroversial a show as possible. One such idea was to have representatives of the world's religions assemble on the field and sing a medley of songs (building up to "It's A Small World After All"), accompanied by the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. The idea ran into logistical problems -- some Muslims interpret Shariah law as forbidding singing, for instance -- but the idea wasn't finally put to rest until the FCC itself stepped in and expressed concern about what they described as the "excessive" sects and violins in the show.
A joke I didn't use
Nov. 5th, 2004 02:31 amBefore I go to bed, I will describe the little joke I decided not to tell at the show tonight. I came up with it as I was driving up to Worcester.
"It's been a pretty tough week for me, maybe for some of you too. But, you know, I think that we have to get past this setback and look ahead and start to rebuild, and if everyone works really hard then I think that there's a real chance that in four years the Yankees might make it to the World Series."
(I rejected the joke because I decided that if I told it people would (1) think it wasn't funny and (2) hate me.)
After I sang 'The World's All In A Tangle' I said "I suppose I should now apologize to all the Communists in the audience," and a guy raised his hand and said, "Thanks!"
"It's been a pretty tough week for me, maybe for some of you too. But, you know, I think that we have to get past this setback and look ahead and start to rebuild, and if everyone works really hard then I think that there's a real chance that in four years the Yankees might make it to the World Series."
(I rejected the joke because I decided that if I told it people would (1) think it wasn't funny and (2) hate me.)
After I sang 'The World's All In A Tangle' I said "I suppose I should now apologize to all the Communists in the audience," and a guy raised his hand and said, "Thanks!"
Jokes from Other Planets
Aug. 31st, 2004 11:16 amDouglas Eagleson is a guy who used to post to sci.math and some of the other sci.* groups. I think I never could figure out what he was talking about.
Recently when I was poking around the sci.math archives looking for something else I came across a series of jokes (or maybe plots for a comic strip) that he wrote. Later, he provided commentary on them.
They are so strange that I wanted to reproduce them here. (mmcirvin commented at the time, "You may have accidentally read some comedy intended for robots.") I will put the original jokes in boldface and his later commentary in italics. Plus, I'll include the commentary I posted to ARK on the whole thing, because I can.
family once removed stories
Nov. 2nd, 2003 11:23 pmMy mother's boyfriend's nephew is visiting the United States from Sweden. This meant that he got to meet all sorts of odd relatives and near-relatives. Here are a couple of stories related to my by him and his Finnish girlfriend.
She spent a lot of time complaining about her health and her neighbors and various family members and so on and so forth.
My mother's boyfriend's sister tried to end the visit on a positive note, and talked about how things couldn't be SO bad since she had a son who visited her often and grandchildren who came from as far away as Sweden to see her and so on. My impression was that it was a pretty lengthy attempt to cheer my mother's boyfriend's mother up.
My mother's boyfriend's mother appeared to listen to all of this, and responded, "Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up."
Suddenly, one of the relatives (who my mother's boyfriend's nephew had barely spoken to previously -- I think it was one of his uncles or something) caught up to him and said, 'If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?'
m-b-n was caught a little off guard by this question, but responded that he supposed that you would be an American in the bathroom also.
The relative responded, 'Nope! European!' HAW HAW &c.
Story the First
They went with my mother's boyfriend and one of his sisters to visit my mother's boyfriend's mother.She spent a lot of time complaining about her health and her neighbors and various family members and so on and so forth.
My mother's boyfriend's sister tried to end the visit on a positive note, and talked about how things couldn't be SO bad since she had a son who visited her often and grandchildren who came from as far away as Sweden to see her and so on. My impression was that it was a pretty lengthy attempt to cheer my mother's boyfriend's mother up.
My mother's boyfriend's mother appeared to listen to all of this, and responded, "Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up."
Story the Second
A group of relatives met up in Boston to do a bit of a walking tour. As often is the case, one group of people walked faster than the other, so they separated into two sub-groups that didn't get much opportunity to talk to one another.Suddenly, one of the relatives (who my mother's boyfriend's nephew had barely spoken to previously -- I think it was one of his uncles or something) caught up to him and said, 'If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?'
m-b-n was caught a little off guard by this question, but responded that he supposed that you would be an American in the bathroom also.
The relative responded, 'Nope! European!' HAW HAW &c.
